No matter where you’re from, where you go, or what your poison is, you’ll always run into the same people on a night out. Here’s a few of them.
- The Passed out Guy in the Corner
A staple of any establishment worth its salt, wherever there’s a good night out, the Passed out Guy in the Corner will be there. A guardian angel, sat silently, he’s had 1 or 17 too many, and can’t physically keep his eyes open any more. Or stand up. Or compose a sentence.
Much to the amusement of fellow clubbers, the Passed out Guy can be used as a means of entertainment, with an average of 176 different people taking a picture of them to laugh at later.
Also see: The Passed out Girl in the Corner. Similar, but the head is usually resting on a friend’s shoulder rather than being buried in their own arms.
- The ‘Stacy’
The Stacy can be found in any club, but frequently only rears her head near the end of the night. High Heels in hand, she wanders about like a lost soul, searching and screaming for her life partner, usually named ‘Wayne’, ‘Baz’, ‘Gaz’, or ‘Terry’. The man in question is usually at next doors kebabby, trying his luck with another, more intoxicated ‘Stacy’.
The mascara running down her face acts as warpaint, giving her an almost inhuman appearance.
- The Loner
This guy. Friendless, with no one to dance with, he’s gone out to either dull his pathetic excuse of a life with alcohol, or to convince himself that he’s having a good time. Leaning against the bar sipping on a vodka lemonade with a hint of lime, he comes in one of two forms.
Either he is prematurely balding and looks like Gollum from Lord of the Rings, or he is fat and wearing clothes that are far too large for him. Either way, both stink something fierce.
When closing time hits, he’ll strike. Searching for the most drunk and vulnerable girl available, he’ll attempt to charm them with the (empty) promise of a good night.
Beware of this one ladies.
- The Walking Dead
A truly tragic case, and one that we’re all too familiar with. The Walking Dead is a husk of a man who thought it’d be a good idea to get on the gear. But not just any gear. He thought it was wise to do a line of MD immediately followed by a key of ket. Bad move.
The resulting cluster-fuck going on in his head has turned him into a zombie on another plain, roaming the dance floor searching for his soul. Occasionally he’ll interact with you, asking if you ‘know anyone with any stuff’, but people are usually too horrified to respond.
- The “I Have a Boyfriend”
Let’s be realistic here. She’s not even that hot. She confidently parades the entire club with her head held high, expecting men to buy her drinks. Sadly, she’s a bit on the large side and wears far too much make-up which either comes in the colour ‘Orange Sunset’ or ‘Tangerine Dream’.
She suffers from what we like to call ‘an unwarranted sense of self-importance’. Basically shooting anyone down that doesn’t look like a younger, stronger, more stylish version of Hercules.
No love, you don’t “have a boyfriend”. It’s just that your standards are too high and your friends are too nice to tell you otherwise.